How do you feel about boundaries? Do you have them already established, or does the idea of setting them scares the ever living ???? out of you? For most of women, setting boundaries is one of the HARDEST things that you can do. SOMETIMES even harder than losing weight.???? Yeah… you know what I am talking about. Some are literally afraid of them, and I think that is because the majority of women have been raised to be people pleasers, and think that boundaries cause conflict.
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But.. that is not the case. Yes, you may have those 1 or 2 people that make a mountain out of a mole hill with the boundaries you set, but most of the boundaries will be respected by others. Listen.. If you want to grow at all, boundaries are VITAL! They are there to teach people how to treat you.. But I get it, they are not always easy. Just think of it like this… If someone is rude to you and you don’t say “Hey, I don’t want you to talk to me that way..” They are still going to talk to you that way!!!
When you set boundaries, it is your way of communicating your needs. We have a lot of the things going on in our lives and everything going on boils down to having communication skills with people. With our children, our boss, our spouse, our family, our friends. Boundaries are necessary for the people that you communicate with them on a daily basis. Let’s take a look at boundaries as communication, NOT confrontation.
Here are some examples!
The way someone speaks to you… If someone always speaks rudely to you or yells at you or a tone, then that is a boundary that you need to set.
Work… Trying to create more space between work and home. After a certain time don’t answer emails, call texts.
At home… Set boundaries in your home of how you want things to be or when people visit.
Your time… Set boundaries with your time. I am a recovering workaholic, a recovering hustler, grinder. This was not working out. So, I had to set boundaries with work and give myself my time!
Around sex… Where can you touch me where can’t you. When you want it or when you don’t!
All of these things are boundaries and it’s about communicating your needs in these specific areas.
Research shows that people who have clearly defined boundaries are happier. They have higher levels of self-esteem and lower stress levels. Boundaries are what helps us to have and find balance.
So why is it that you should even start to create boundaries for yourself?
Because magic makers… boundaries will free you!! You are making time for your needs and your preferences. You’re telling people that this is what I need, and this is what I prefer, and you should NOT feel bad about that! If someone gets mad, that is on them! People only get mad because you don’t allow them to do whatever the hell they want!
It is also important that you start setting boundaries because it limits the feelings of negativity on ourselves, as well as anger, resentment, and sadness. And guess what, by having less of this in your life will help you stay the hell away from burnout! Because then.. Burnout causes resentment and we don’t want that! Burnout podcast
I know… that even though after all of this I have talked about… there will still be people who still say they cannot do this. They cannot set boundaries with anyone or certain individuals.. If we already shoot ourselves down before we get in the ring, we are never going to think our way out! So just TRY IT! You don’t know what will happen when you do!
Here is another way to think of boundaries if I haven’t sold you yet on them.. Think of boundaries as self-care. Self-care is more than a mani and pedi. Many of you are a salmon swimming upstream and you have beaten yourself into exhaustion. Maybe if you set a few boundaries you wouldn’t feel so exhausted! Boundaries help you break free of people pleasing, the everyone else’s feels count but mine! This is why you need CLEAR LIMITS & CLEAR GOALS!
I do hear a lot though that the biggest thing that most people think when they set boundaries is that they are going to disappoint someone. But check this out…. You only disappoint someone because you are no longer allowing someone else to dictate your day!!! BOOOMMMMMM
Alright.. HOW DO WE SET BOUNDARIES!? How do you get there?
1. The first place you should start is to ask what you need? It could be time… you could need more support. You decide what it is you need.
2. Let your values guide you. Do you value your health and time and energy? Can I set boundaries that support me in this? We all have different boundaries with different people, so our boundaries will be different.
3. Define the boundaries. Look at something that feels easy for you. Or something you have just been tripping over your own feet a lot. Keep them simple to start with.
4. Tell others why this is so important. Why is this boundary important to you? What areas are important to you to start setting these boundaries in? Start small…
5. Remain consistent with these. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but you have to decide how much you like you.. This is not being selfish!
As you do this.. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY!!
Here are a few examples of boundaries you may need to set..
● I am ok with you texting me, but not several in an hour. Set a specific time that you will be accepting texts (ie not at 6am or after a certain hour in the evening.)
● Maybe tell you kids and spouse that we have quiet time every day for a set time.
● Not going to answer work emails or phone calls after 7pm or on the weekends.
● Setting a specific time to go to the gym.
● If someone comes up and needs something right away, can I get back to you in 30 minutes and do it then? If yes, then great. A lot of things do not need to be done right away, unless you are doing an organ transplant then, please continue.
Alright, I am going to be completely honest, but you are not going to see success overnight. It’s getting comfortable and confident in the way we ask and communicate so that people know that we are trying to create balance in our life. Trying to minimize stress in our life, because some of these boundary setting things can alleviate stress from you! When you set your own boundaries, you are CHOOSING YOU! You are deciding this is not how it is going to go anymore. You are deciding that my feelings and my time are just as important as someone else’s time!
BOUNDARIES ARE OKAY. BOUNDARIES ARE HEALTHY. BOUNDARIES ARE A NECESSITY! Especially if you always find yourself always being the last person on your list or putting yourself on the end of the list. IT IS TIME to start putting YOU FIRST and it starts with boundaries!
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