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Are You Ready To Improve Your Sex Life

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Ladies… Guess what this is all about… Well, I am pretty sure you can read the title, so you guessed right. S E X! And boy have I been wanting to talk about this for a while now! Now, we aren’t talking about your in-school sex ed… But instead, but married sex life, and either you cannot keep your hands off your partner, or they just don’t do it for you anymore!  And to help us talk about this and this week’s guest, Dr. Kristie Overstreet will help us work through this! And she is pretty amazing at what she does!  

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Dr. Kristie is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationships and host of the Fix Yourself First podcast. Her mission is to help people improve their relationships by first focusing on the most important relationship they have, the one with themselves so that they are empowered to create the lives they deserve.

Dr. Kristie created the Ideal Intimacy Method program to help women get emotional and physical intimacy without sacrificing their needs. Dr. Kristie is the founder of the Therapy Department, a virtual wellness practice that provides counseling, coaching, and consulting throughout the world.

Most people don’t talk about sex because they feel like it’s just taboo…. They don’t talk about it with friends and they sure as hell don’t talk with their partners.  We are afraid to talk about it because of that Internal fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, or maybe you are not showing up enough. Plus, relationships can bring up a lot of uncertainty, fear, and not being worthy enough.  Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Can it be only women that feel this way? It’s definitely an area where men are so misunderstood as well.   We have this perception that men want it all the time and never have a problem performing until they are much older.
But guess what ladies, there are so many things that men want to talk about and address and discuss with their partners, but they too have their own fears and self-esteem struggles when it comes to sex.  Hey ladies, we are not alone.

I get it.. You don’t want to be wrong when it comes to sex, but somethings have just changed. Some of you have been with your spouses since your 20’s and now you are in our 40’s and things are soooo different.  You are different, you may have changed because you are human and have evolved and let’s face it we are all constantly changing!
Between stress, work, kids, aging parents, hormones, our bodies changing, our libido, and sex drive change, or what you are into is changed.  We change!  And some of you just might not really be too into what you were when we were in your 20’s.

So, for example, we are going to use Bob as example, not to say this doesn’t haven’t in the LBGTQ community as well!  Let’s say Bob used to blow your hair back with what he used to do, but now… that doesn’t quite do it for you.  NOW you are like, “Bob, you do that one more time like that, I am going to kill you!” How do you talk to Bob about saying that is not my thing anymore?

First you want to make sure you have that conversation in a non-accusatory manner, pointing fingers, or triggering differences when you discuss what is going on.  Dr. Kristie wants to make this crystal clear; this does not mean they won’t get defensive. But there is a way you can say  this in a very healthy way.  So, approaching it like, “I have been thinking about this and I want to try something different. I want to try some things that are different in the bedroom, and I think that we need to change things up a bit and you deserve to know this. How does that sound to you?”

Bring up these conversations so you are not waiting, and it is stacking on your feelings. And then building resentment… If you keep that anger towards them turned inwards, you are going to explode.  Because there are 2 types of people.  Everything is my fault, or I rock, and you suck!  If I am that woman that always says it’s my responsibility to make sure we have this amazing sex life. Who defines what makes an amazing sex life?

Another thing… We tend to get caught up in numbers. I should have sex this many times a week, month, year.  Listen, I don’t know who is counting or what that number is supposed to be. That number is stuck in your head that if you aren’t hitting this number something is wrong. And this is so false. You are constantly striving to be “normal” but what really is normal?  What is normal sex? How often SHOULD we be having sex? But the real question should go something like, how often WOULD you want to have sex?
This is where you and your partner need to collaborate on that. The focus has to be on quality and enjoyment. Not quantity of numbers.  What do you get out of it vs we did the act?

This is very similar to fitness, right? We grow up and are so focused on the scale or size of the pants. Magic size magic number…  But really there are so many women that hit their goal weight and then wonder is this it?  They didn’t enjoy the journey and It’s not enough for them. This is the same as having sex 3 times a week for some women. They are saying, I can’t keep up and I am not enjoying it and I am getting resentful because every time I say no there is a problem! That the focus is on the number vs the QUALITY.

Let’s talk about enjoyment.  How do you bring up that conversation of enjoyment? 
How do I bring it to scale back the number of times you do it, how do you both find enjoyment in sex?  Focus on seeing physical intimacy and physical connection, sex as one of those physical intimacies as a buffet approach.  There are all different things on the buffet, a little bit of everything.  And we can approach sex this way and say I am not really in the mood for this; however, can we try this instead. I know I can get my head into this because of the day I have had.

If you approach sex more as collaboration and partnership, you are more likely to enjoy pleasure if it’s not monotonous.  If you have that openness to say what you are not in the mood for, hopefully, the person goes with you and works with you on that. Hopefully, there is no pushback.  Because collaboration is where both people show up as themselves and are open and honest, and they speak up for their needs and listen to their partner’s needs will be a much easier relationship.

How do I start this conversation? 
Alright….. So, it is time to have a conversation with your partner, and the best approach is the timing.  You need to have time and be in the right space to discuss it.  But try not to make it more than it has to be.  Sex should be fun and enjoyable; it shouldn’t be hard to talk about.  Start the conversation by saying, “I am really struggling with this, and I want to talk to you about it. Are you open to me talking about a couple of things with you? You don’t have to talk, just listen.  This is a little hard for me to talk about, so I am just giving you a heads up, so please be patient with me.”

By doing this you are setting your partner up to sit back and go into receive mode.
“Hey, you know what, I’ve not been really enjoying where things are at. I don’t want to make an assumption, but I don’t know if you’re enjoying it either. But can we talk about how we both can maybe even enjoy it even more because I want you to experience pleasure, I want to experience pleasure.”

A lot of women get this wrong because they tend to think their partner wants more numbers of sex.  And honestly, some of them just want QUALITY sex over numbers.

Are there other ways you can show or still make sure that your spouse is loved and admired instead of just sex?

Guess what…. There are 12 different types of intimacy and sex is just 1 of the 12!  
1. Sexual Intimacy: Sharing passion and physical pleasuring
2. Emotional Intimacy: Being tuned to each other’s wavelength
3. Intellectual Intimacy: Closeness in the world of ideas
4. Aesthetic Intimacy: Sharing experience of beauty
5. Creative Intimacy: Sharing in acts of creating together
6. Recreational Intimacy: Relating in experiences of fun and play
7. Work Intimacy: Closeness of sharing common tasks
8. Crisis Intimacy: Closeness in coping with problems and pain
9. Conflict Intimacy: Facing and struggling with differences
10. Commitment Intimacy: Mutually derived from common self-interest
11. Spiritual Intimacy: Unity shared in religious expression
12. Communication Intimacy: Mutual understanding and affirmation

We have to work on getting these intimacy needs met and not just focus on sex being met because these are just as important.

Gary Chapman wrote a book called – 5 Love Languages and I highly recommend you read the book and you will definitely know which one is yours.  It is a truly eye-opening book. ]

I love talking about boundaries and in this topic, they are no exception. Boundaries are how we teach people how to treat us, right? We teach them that boundaries are this Invisible, electric fence. How close they can get physically and emotionally and how far they can stay away. These boundaries teach them this and you have to teach them.

What are the boundaries in these parts of ourselves?  When we learn that it is our responsibility to put those boundaries out there, we can then speak up about it.   
If you struggle to say no to people who make demands on your time, your money, and demands in your life, you will have less time to spend on that relationship. Or are you giving everyone more attention than your partner?  Really stop and take a look at this.

Listen, ladies, you deserve to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.  Many people don’t buy into the deserving part that this is just how it is.  You think that you are not a priority, here is my list and I am at the bottom!  You deserve to have 5 minutes for yourself.
Many of us don’t think we are good enough that we don’t deserve it or that we haven’t done enough to deserve this.  By not having boundaries, we don’t teach people our time is important.  We think if we do something for ourselves or try to take care of ourselves that it is selfish.   When you don’t take that time, you are going to blow up on people, then guilt, then bad mom or wife feelings.  It is about prevention vs. reaction!

So now that you are ready to do something for yourself, how about looking into this intimacy program that Dr. Kristie has that can truly help you fulfill your needs and take care of you!

Dr. Kristie’s program is called the Ideal Intimacy Method. Where she will guide you through the emotional and physical intimacy connection that you’re missing. This first of its kind proven program teaches you how to get your emotional and physical intimacy needs met.

What will I get out of it if I join?
This is a group coaching program with women that helps them identify, speak up and figure out their emotional and physical intimacy needs whether they are single or in a relationship.
The first phase is figuring out yourself as a whole person.
The second part after you look at your needs is removing your blocks.

The third part is taking action.
Dr. Kristie, advocates tapping more into yourself so that you can stop blaming your partner, the better relationship you are going to get, period!  You can then accept yourself because at the end of the day we cannot stop working on ourselves.  Just like I said before, we are ever-evolving, ever-changing, so that means that sometimes we have to work on ourselves to go along with that change or adapt to that change.

We have to have these awkward and downright scary conversations if we want to move forward in any relationship, especially with our partners.  We all deserve to be happy, each person in that relationship deserves to be happy and not only fulfilled sexually but also emotionally.

So what are you waiting for?
Head to the links below and check out Dr. Kristie and be sure to follow her on all the socials or reach out to her to learn more about her program if it is speaking to you! Because guess what??? You deserve to have a happy, healthy, sexy life!

What is one thing that makes you feel magical?

Reading….  I know it sounds funny that I am a huge book nerd. So it’s the reading but it’s that taking that time where I don’t deal with anybody. I get to go to my magical place in my mind that I’ve done since I was very little. And just get to have that time for me. So I make sure I read 30minutes to an hour every single day.  So that way I have that little away place to go. And that’s pretty magical for me.

LINKS

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/kimbarnesjeffersoncoach

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/fitgirlmagic/

Website: https://www.kimbarnesjefferson.com/

Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-girl-magic-healthy-living-for-women-over-40/id1476883661

#foreverfatloss
https://kimbarnesjefferson.lpages.co/hlf_2021

Dr. Kristie Overstreet  
Fix Yourself First: 25 tips to stop ruining your relationships
https://amzn.to/3nJYuVr

5 Languages Of Love
https://amzn.to/39dti8s

https://drkristieoverstreet.com/
https://www.facebook.com/DrKristieOverstreet/

https://www.instagram.com/kristie_overstreet/

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