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Is Self Care Bull Sh*t?

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Is self-care complete bullshit? Is it some phrase someone coined to give women an “excuse” to take care of themselves? Or put themselves first once in a blue freaking moon? Or make them feel guilty for not doing something for them time and time again? Have a glass of wine? Mindlessly scroll on the socials, or take a bath? These are things that we say are acts of self-care, but ARE they really serving you? Are you really serving yourself and what you truly need by getting your nails done? It’s about time we stop using the term self-care for things we want to think are self-care and start actually taking care of ourselves in a way that serves us and doing things truly for us! 


I am super excited to have Dr. Heather Bartos sat down with me and she lit this topic up! This is her jam.. I am so excited to have this chat with her and get you her perspective on self-care and what it really means to her and how it can change the way you LOOK at it.

Dr. Heather Bartos is an OB-Gyn, podcaster, author, speaker, and everyday gal who’s considered a go-to voice for sexuality + women. She has a knack for making taboo or uncomfortable material feel approachable with her own podcast, The ME Spot. Ladies, I freaking love her and I am so glad she is here!

As women, this goes on a taboo topic. We have been fed a line of shit! We are busy with so many things day in and day out, so how do we take care of ourselves during all of this? Wine, bath, Facebook? These things aren’t really serving us to the best of our abilities. Let’s compare self-care in women to plants. Each comes with their own care instructions. All are treated differently. What are the care instructions? What is truly caring for oneself? Let me let you in on a little thing… It’s NOT what we read about what everyone else is doing!! HENCE, IT’S BULLSHIT!

I love manicures and bubble baths just as much as everyone else. But that is taking care of ourselves, fun escapes. But what do you need for a moment of time to help? Putting the phone down for 3 hours? Putting your feet in the damn grass? And guess what?? Self-care can be by yourself. It doesn’t have to be with other people! What?? GASPPP

Oh and another bomb shell… Saying NO is self-care! Yes, you heard that right! Saying no to things you DO NOT want to do is indeed a form of self-care!

So many of us don’t do self-care because we get stuck on our shoulds or saying yes to everyone. And at the end of it, you haven’t taken care of yourself. We have to stop and listen to what our bodies need. So many of us are outside of our bodies and don’t even know what good feels like. What does she need? What is she saying to me? And your body will tell you the answers.

Are you someone who feels “Me-sponsible.”? We are a responsibility magnet for everyone else. But when it comes to focusing on you, you treat yourself like a foreign entity that you have no control over. Our bodies are usually the LAST thing to take care of… am I right?? Some women will keep running until you wear your ass out! YOU NEED to stop and refuel. Look at ourselves like a CAR! We see the LOW GAS light and ignore it instead of filling her up. And then we wonder why we get sick and run out of gas so often.. We become just plain tired.

When you are tired, you start to remove things that bring you JOY so that you can keep up with the rest of your life. Sex is a prime example. It’s so easy to push that off, not tonight, not the next night. Then all of a sudden you look back and it’s been 8 months, or a year and time goes by. Remember this…. IT IS REALLY DANGEROUS to take sex off the to-do list! Even if you don’t have a partner. Even if its sex with yourself! Not sure if you know this, BUT… That is a form of self-care and self-love because you are feeding your body with all the hormones you need to keep going. As you move through life it is important to move your partner with you through life. Because once your kids are gone, who the hell are you living with? So you don’t want to push that connection to the side because you are tired. Make time for that part of your life.

There are a lot of women out there, and when we talk about responsibility and being responsible for our own bodies and health. We are not irresponsible, but we aren’t taught to be responsible for what we do. We aren’t fucked up, we just haven’t learned it. (as children and as we grow) There is this book – Extreme Ownership https://amzn.to/36tksVYwritten by 2 navy seals. It’s a business concept. But it’s something that can be pulled into all aspects of our lives. When you take extreme ownership of things, the buck stops with you. With your body, etc. When you do that, you are IN CONTROL NOW! Great for business and in health!! This is you, take ownership of it. Your body. Yourself.

If anything in the military, that is what they teach you. A method that is repeatable. Many of you want that pill that you take for a week and then feel like you are set for life.. That cleanse.. It’s not set for life. I have to OWN MY SHIT. Learn the skills to help me own my shit.

You want the easy, because you are so tired. BUT when you talk about ownership and responsibility, you FEEL EMPOWERED. I can decide my own fate here. This is what I want to know. I now take the blame for everything, business, life, etc.

You are not going to know what to change in your life or what to work on if you do not know your body. If you are so dang tired of taking ownership, how are you going to know what to change? I always tell my clients; I think of life like a crime scene. There is a dead body on the floor, blood on the wall, what happened. We have to look at our weight gain. What happened? Was it overeating? Is it hormonal? We have to break down what happened!!! I can’t just blame my hormones because my hormones didn’t go haywire on their own, I did something to push the button. So, what have I been doing to create that? What do my day-to-day habits and activities or OVER activities look like to have worn my body and my time so thin?

A lot of women think their fate is outside of them. Like a freaking space alien comes down and they are the reason why they don’t have enough time in their day. Because you DON’T PLAN! I sit down and I say here is what I need to do so I don’t run out of time. We are expecting someone to come in and fix things for us and do things for us. YOU have to make a plan to help yourself. You have to make a plan to take care of you and put YOU first. That IS self-care. When you finally acknowledge that you aren’t doing SHIT for you and living your life to please everyone else. You have the power. IT’S ON YOU!

Listen to your body. Take EXTREME ownership for the shit going on in your life. YOU ARE MISSING this regime of taking time out for ourselves. Be consistent, be persistent and be resilient. And once you take ownership and acknowledge it, you WILL start to feel better!

Ladies, if you want to hear this full podcast head over to wherever you get your podcasts and listen to this in full. Heather is really amazing and so fun to listen to! Then check out her podcast called The Me Spot Podcast . You will love it!

What makes you feel magical?
This answer is always changing for me. But one thing in the past year is play time. Playing. Playing makes me feel magical. And I don’t think as adults, we think that that’s okay anymore. I like to just go and play whatever it is. Sometimes I’ll hang out with my kids and play video games. And I’ll go old school arcade style, I’ll be like, watch this. And or I’ll do something outside and we’ll just go barefoot in the grass, and we’ll play ball. Or we’ll play with bubbles! It’s those kinds of moments where you recapture the magic of your youth when you didn’t care. And you didn’t have a lot of things that you were worried about. And so that’s what makes me feel magical.


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