Alright, magic makers, this has been a long time coming, and I am so excited to finally have this conversation on here about this topic. And that is about toxic people, toxic relationships, toxic family members, you name it we are talking about it. We just have to have this conversation because you may be in one and not realize it because it has been going on for so long. Or you know it is toxic, but you don’t know how the heck to get out of it!
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I got to sit down on my most recent Fit Girl Magic podcast with Marielys Cepeda and she is just so amazing! Marielys is a Boston-based writer and content creator focused on love, life, and personal development. She is a storyteller and pop culture enthusiast with a love for reality tv. She hosts “Toxic AF”, a podcast creating conversations around toxicity, how it manifests, and what we are doing to heal.
How do you define a toxic relationship?
Many ways to define a toxic relationship because it doesn’t just look like one thing… It can be familial, platonic, or romantic. Are you answering yes to any of these questions??
Do you feel like you have to change yourself for the other person?
- Do you feel like you can’t be yourself?
- Does the bad outweigh the good?
- Do you feel like the relationship is draining you?
- Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells around that person?
- Do you feel like you can’t express yourself freely in that relationship?
These are signs that you could be in a toxic relationship… And yes, relationships like anything else can have good or bad but generally, they are supposed to be fun and happy. So, if you feel like you can’t voice that you don’t feel loved or respected, that is not good!!
One way to find out if it is really toxic or not is to COMMUNICATE! This is the foundation for everything. Because perception is everything. You could see something one way and they can see it another, and if you don’t voice this they will never know. We have to ensure there is no disconnect and that you are both on the same page. You can’t always know what the other person is thinking, or that they should know exactly what it is you want, without you communicating it with them.
How do we open the door and have these conversations and not feel combative?
This can be super hard when you are not used to having conversations like this, which is most of us! You have to work on the hard conversations, and it can take some practice.
So, when you are someone who doesn’t generally do that, you have to recognize this before you dive into the conversation.
Because when you stuff down those feelings they aren’t just disappearing. They are going to seep out into different parts of your world and the last thing you want to do is let it fester inside of you! Don’t let that happen.
So, look into the books. Look into self-help books or podcasts where you can listen to someone else talk about this to help you communicate better and voice how you feel or how you want to get your point across without conflict. If communication is not your strong suit, look for those experts that are out there and how they can help you! You will benefit greatly from this!
Now, if you do let this build up inside and you cannot communicate with the other person, you NEED to find a way to get it out of your body. You have to find a way otherwise it will seep into your life in ways you don’t want it to. You get to choose how you want it to seep out. Is it through:
- A glass of wine at the end of the night on occasion to decompress or relax.
- Can you go to therapy? (therapy is AMAZING! And can help tremendously to talk to someone else)
- Get out in the sun and just relax.
- Journal how you are feeling.
We have to find out what works for you and this comes with being introspective and getting to know yourself! And I know… an introspection is a big place. We all get a little nervous to sit in the quiet and ask ourselves, how do we feel? How can you be more vulnerable? We have to do this though because the relationship with self informs relationships with other people!
Another thing, always be mindful of how people are treating you… And if you are allowing them to treat you disrespectfully, why is it and what is happening there?
It is in our own insecurities for us to not say anything to anyone if they are being disrespectful!! So how do you manage that? How do you manage this is if it’s a mom, dad, spouse, how do you navigate that??
Getting out of any kind of relationship is going to be hard because you have attachment there. And this is why it’s really important to have introspection. It is all about you and it begins and ends with you!
- Identify why you are in this relationship.
- Identify why you want to be rid of this.
- What kind of things have transpired that there is no reconciliation possible.
You have to be ready in your heart and mind to say I am done with this!!! What you are thinking has to be in alignment with how you feel!!!
Now… let’s talk boundaries!!!
Boundaries are your friend; they are your superpower. They are foundational in any relationship! If you aren’t used to set them, it can feel awkward or impossible at times but it is extremely empowering and important in every relationship. “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time.“
You really need to be setting boundaries with people so that they know where you’re at with something… You can’t just create it in your head, keep it up there and then get mad when they didn’t do what you wanted them to do because you only said it in your head! It has to come out words for words! You have to let that person know and really be communicating with them about what makes you uncomfortable.
When you set that boundary… you have to maintain that boundary because that is the key right there, maintaining. And remember, NO is a complete sentence. It is totally ok to say NO to things you don’t want to do and not just do them to be a people pleaser. As women, we think we have to do it all, but IT IS OK to say no to things that you really don’t want to do. Or no to things that are more than you can do. No is a big part of boundaries people!
Ladies and gentlemen, whoever is reading this, there is no need to change yourself for a toxic person. There’s no need to try to bend yourself to fit into what somebody else thinks is good. Nobody lives in your body, but you, you’re the only one who’s gonna have to deal with it and live with it! So, making sure that you are happy with yourself is number one, no what your coworkers think not what your mother thinks. Not what anybody else thinks!! But what you think and the decisions you make for yourself. You’re the only one living with those things.
For those of you who are in these relationships, you figure out how to set those boundaries and just take the time to even realize what your boundaries are so that you can have those conversations and when that toxicity pops up in your life, you can recognize it and not just fluff it off!!!
What is one thing that makes you feel magical?
“A lot of things make me feel magical and in true fashion, I cannot say just one.
I did my hair this morning and that makes me feel magical. It tangles and gives me a hard time, but it makes me feel magical. I feel like my hair is beautiful. I feel like I’m beautiful. I make myself feel magical. I do have those days where I am just down and out. But I think that, uh, my personality makes me magical. I love to laugh and if anything, that’s what I’m gonna do.” – Marielys Cepeda
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