You Are Divorced Now What

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When I started this podcast, I wanted to talk about health and fitness, but I also need to TALK ABOUT LIFE stuff too!! Today we’re talking about divorce. There are many of you listening to this podcast some of you are divorced, divorcing, considering divorce or wondering what life would be like if you chose a different path…

And this is why I wanted to have Marie Carmel on who is the founder of the non-profit The Unwed helping women grow into their best selves and using divorce as a means to do so.

She is a single mom of 4 and after going through her own divorce knew that she needed to create a community where women can come together, learn from one another, relate to one another and overcome divorce.  You were married, now you’re not, and you are divorced. What do you do now? What happens? How do you survive, how do you thrive? These are all questions that we want to know, and Marie has great insight on making it work and all that life throws at you.

I wanted to talk about divorce because I know many people who have been married for decades or have been with the same person forever and all of a sudden, they come home and realize it’s not working anymore for them… What do you do?   We know that divorce can come down two ways, it either comes out of the blue and you are totally blindsided, or more often you felt it coming from one side or the other before it happens.  And regardless if you are prepared or not, it shatters your entire world, and it may actually be one of the most significant changes in your life! 

40-50% of all marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher. While it may feel you are the only one going through this, you are not alone.
Divorce doesn’t have to be this terrible ending in this relationship, it can just be that your relationship has come to an end.  And both spouses are ready for the next part of their lives post-divorce.

Should I stay or should I go???

This is a question that Marie gets asked ALLL the time!  But there is literally no right answer for this.  There is no magical answer that says on this day or this many years in you leave your spouse.  When you are ready you will make the decision, but you won’t until you are ready.  And WHEN you are ready, you will have to look up Marie’s private Community called The Unwed.

As I said before, Marie created this movement, The Unwed, after experience with her own divorce and realized that there are LITERALLY NO RESOURCES out there for women to go to for help, answers, to talk to other women.  There is nothing and she saw the need for it and the importance of it to build up this community.

There are so many other people like you and sometimes your close friends just don’t know what to say to you or how to comfort you. And this movement is there to help women AFTER their divorce. It is a community where people can come together and relate so you don’t feel so lost and alone!   UnWed is that community of people that can empathize with you and give you advice and just help you through that time in your life. You’ll find the tools and resources that this community has to offer.

DIVORCE CAN BE EMPOWERING.

For years many thought of divorce as this dirty thing you needed to hide. Marie is here to tell you that divorce It is not going to ruin your kids’ lives and you aren’t going to live in poverty.

Post-divorce, healing will most definitely look different for everyone. Some people do need to engage and just get things out, then some need to just sit and observe and in the meantime, the group is covering topics every week that are specific to divorce.  And honestly, most of us are not ready to start any type of work after a divorce, so just coming into the group, reading other experiences and sitting back and taking it all in is totally fine!  Marie and the group just want everyone to know that they are not alone, and when they are braver and gain the strength they begin to engage.

You come out of a marriage and you are hurt and you are raw and you need someone who is just as raw and just as hurt as you are to understand what you are going through and to help guide you down the right path of the first step to do. And year one will be the hardest for you.  I am not going to sugar coat it.  Some days she felt like she was going crazy, Marie didn’t have unrealistic expectations, and focused on making progress every day. For her, it’ was about reaching into yourself and doing the work, however, that looks for you. And the work is never-ending, you never reach an end post but that is what makes it so beautiful.  It is the journey. 

If you are reading this or you listened to the podcast and you are in the beginning of you divorce journey, here are a few things Marie recommends that you do:

  • The hardest thing is the fear of the unknown, so seek legal advice, hire an attorney if your state requires it to protect yourself. They will help you as to what your options are moving forward. You then will know what you can and cannot do. Get that advice so you more confident making decisions moving forward
  • Divorce decrees must be done right the first time. So, you need to make sure you are protected. And you are entitled what’s yours and get what is legally owed to you and make sure that you fight for that right.
  • Then, the work starts with yourself right then. (and this work looks different for each person.)
  • If you have children together, make sure to focus on the children. Everything that you do you want to be in the best interest of the children.
  • Do not put your kids in the middle. They did not choose this. DO NOT make them a pawn in this game! Your kids can and will be okay, and divorce is hard but that doesn’t mean your kids’ lives will be ruined.
  • When both spouses have the children’s best interest at heart and work together after divorce, it becomes the best outcome. They still have two parents, so there is no competition.
  • Reassure your children that just because mom and dad aren’t together, the children should not have to choose and repeat to them that it is not their fault.
  • You want your children to have that relationship with both their parents. It doesn’t do anyone any good for anyone if they do not.

During a divorce, people are scared and alone and do not know what they are going to do, but this group helps so many women tremendously.  I LOVE that Marie’s passions for this and for this group comes through the microphone when I spoke with her on this recent podcast.  I have a love-hate relationship with social media, but a group like this is what can be so beautiful about it…  A place where women can come together as one and open up to one another.  There are beautiful things that can happen after divorce and it is nice to have a place to go to and be present.

If you need a tribe, The Unwed is your tribe! Or reach out to Marie personally.  She is amazing and many of us need to learn from each other and hopefully get ourselves over the hurdles faster, easier and with more clarity.

What is one thing that makes you feel magical?

“My love of learning and connection makes me feel magical!“

You can find Marie on Instagram @the_unwed, LinkedIn and on her website https://www.theunwed.com/ where you can find more information about her courses as well as her private community!!

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/FabFitSquad

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/fitgirlmagic/

Website: https://www.kimbarnesjefferson.com/

Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-girl-magic-healthy-living-for-women-over-40/id1476883661

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